As the weather is still rotten I met my friend and we took our children to the local soft play centre. We usually go on Fridays, but decided to go today before the schools finish for summer and the place becomes Sodom and Gomorrah!
Anyway it wasn’t too busy and as my friend is 4 months pregnant, I had the sole task of accompanying both our toddlers into the play area. For those of you not familiar with soft play centres. They are netted off areas covered in crash mats and padding with slides and various other rollers and rocking toys. The toddler area is fantastic, but if your toddler is under 4, they tend to need a little adult help at getting up onto some of the platforms.
So I crawl in on my hands and knees through the door and the children automatically head for the back section which has the slides. Again there’s another little door to crawl through, a few posts to weave around and then a little 3 ft long plastic tunnel to crawl through to get to the slides. (No need for gym membership if you take children here)
There was a man in his late 20’s early 30’s already in there with a little boy, so I made my daughter and her friend wait until they had crawled through the tunnel. Just as the man entered the tunnel though, he broke wind! Yes he farted in a plastic tunnel and the sound reverberated around the whole play area. In a desperate attempt not to laugh I was eating the inside of my cheek. Trying to distract the children who by this stage were both staring open-mouthed at the tunnel.
My charming daughter then pipes up at the top of her voice “mummy, who made that noise?” I couldn’t speak, I was gulping in air trying to stop myself from laughing. So she carries on “mummy, who made that noise, what was that noise?” My friend’s son then shouts “oh a big fart”
By now my entire body is shaking from trying to suppress the laughter, I can feel the tears springing up behind my eyes and my voice has risen by about 10 octaves, to a mere squeak. When the man appears out the opposite end of the tunnel and oh my word the whole backside of his sand coloured trousers are chocolate-brown!!
The fart had become a little more than a fart and was now coating the inside of his trousers. By now I just had to get out, I knew I was going to explode with laughter. There were children blocking the door way and I practically threw them out of the way, grabbed my 2 toddlers and crawled out. However, the ever observant toddlers had already spotted the trouser incident, my daughter was shouting “uh oh, uh oh” repeatedly and my friend’s son shouted “that man did a pooh-pooh.”
So there I am crawling on all fours across crash mats, my body shaking with laughter and by now tears streaming down my face. I got to the entrance and just rolled out the door onto the floor on my back and I couldn’t get up for laughing. My throat hurt from laughing and I actually thought I was going to throw up.
I couldn’t even tell my friend what had happened, because I could barely breathe, let alone speak. Then I see that poor man crawling out of the soft play on his hands and knees and of course we are sitting on seats right at the entrance. Knowing that I couldn’t look him in the eye I buried my head in the children’s changing bag. Of course though, both toddlers decided to point and tell my friend “that man poohed his pants” “look, look, there’s pooh.”
He had to crawl out of there and then walk past everyone to leave the building. Oh the shame.
There is a definite moral to this story. Never go to a soft play centre if you have gas! If you must go, then for goodness sake wear dark coloured trousers!